Tremors

Just because a choice has been made to step away now
Doesn’t erase the consequences of past actions
Doesn’t absolve the decisions made, nor the truths that were concealed
Whether contact is still maintained with them matters none
That detail does not alter the reality of what unfolded.

It’s clear that a reason was being awaited
A moment to place the blame and leave without consequence
Was there ever a thought given to
The impact of hearing those words
The same words once used to claim a reluctance to meet “me”

And then, not even ten days later, a meeting took place
The very individual who played a part in the turmoil
A quiet catalyst in everything that fell apart
And no, it wasn’t just a single encounter
It happened again
And you didn’t merely meet them
But did things you couldn’t bring yourself to admit
Hid it from me, knowing the weight of that silence
And still, there’s a claim that no betrayal occurred?
Who are you fooling more?
Me or yourself?

The reasons behind your distant feelings kept shifting
Changing with each passing day
If that truly was the cause, it would have been clear
No need to deceive oneself further
The reasons kept changing
And heck, even you have acknowledged this
That the so-called fabricated explanations were forgotten
New day, a new reason emerges,
Only to be replaced by another one the next day.

Whether ties were severed or not
The choices made have already spoken volumes
About morals and loyalty
You knew staying entangled with them would jeopardize your own life
So you might have chosen to distance yourself
That isn’t on me
None of that changes the reality of actions taken
The selfishness in play
The unwillingness to face the truth in full.

Is this what loyalty looks like?
Where is the shame in knowing the truth was hidden
Knowing you used me when it suited you
And discarded once the so-called guilt arose?
And after the work of servant was finished
After you being sorted
Not guilt for the harm done here, of course
But guilt for someone else — someone perceived to have been wronged
Suddenly? Out of nowhere?

How does that not reek of selfishness?
Held me back, used for your own ends
And when my purpose was served
Decided it was time to walk away
And now goes on to claim this wasn’t intentional?

Weren’t you asked a countless times if there were boundaries
If others had issues, if things were truly fine
And every time, you chose to reassure me with lies
You told me there was no problem, no reason for doubt.
And yet, as soon as I had done my part
Those countless sessions of hardwork
Leaving my work behind for you
Even if that meant to be there several thousand miles away
Not just once
Not just once!
And you suddenly discovered this newfound guilt.

What I don’t understand
Like a thousand things here
Is how that guilt never extended to me
You claim to be burdened by your conscience
Serving your “notice period”
Yet it conveniently spares you from acknowledging
What you’ve done to me
If everything truly mattered as you claim
Then those four days wouldn’t have happened
Or was it all just a façade?
Say it to my face.

Say what you will, but this isn’t love
Love isn’t selfishly deciding the terms of a relationship on your own
Especially after using the other one
As if they were an object
And they didn’t have their own priorities and life
You might try to convince yourself otherwise
But deep down, even you must know:
This wasn’t the way to treat someone who was all in there for you.

You question about the insecurity?
Who wouldn’t feel insecure
When you are being claimed even after months of separation
Even after us happening together
From a harasser,
The words they said to me starting from “20 mins back…”
After you saying you miss them while being with me?
And you question about the insecurity?

If you ever truly loved
Even the mere thought of meeting them would have shaken you to your core
Your hands, your feet—they should have trembled
Knowing the torment they caused me
The way they harassed, humiliated and abused an innocent one
Forget about this
You never truly felt the sting of humiliation
Because only those who love ever do
Like you would have, for your brother.

If your love was real
It would have burned with anger for what they did to me
Not led you to do what you did with them
Oh my god, not once
And certainly not with the courage of hiding the truth afterward.

Are you proud of those actions?
Is your family proud?
Do they even know the whole story?
Would they stand tall, knowing what you did?
Knowing how you betrayed someone who gave you so much?

You had those thoughts — those unspeakable thoughts —
That you could go to them and fell into that hole again
And that how you were scared for repeating that mistake again
And asked your known ones
How could such a thought even cross your mind
Barely a week or two after forcing this separation on us
How?
Heck, I was even asked
“Please tell me to not do the same mistake again”
Do you even know the trauma that day gave?

How could you even entertain that idea
After the ways you parted from me—so forcefully, so unfairly?
And you say you’re not guilty?
And you say it was true from your side.

Does it never cross your mind?
Not even for a moment?
How deeply I had pleaded, how painfully I had begged you
To not go there, not even once?
Yet you went
Not just once
But more, that it can’t even be considered a mistake
And not just met…

Did it never stir your heart
Even for a fleeting second
What it would do to me?
How could you?

After everything I did for you,
After everything I gave to you,
After all the ways I stood by you,
You chose this path.

And still, you dare to say
This wasn’t betrayal
Who are you fooling more?
Me or yourself?
Doesn’t your own heart know the truth?
Do you really sleep peacefully?
Knowing all of this?

Do these fake, always-shifting reasons
That you force to my face
Help you cope with it all?
If they were true at all
At all
You know those four days would have never happened
But tell me
Are they helping you cope?
Letting you sleep peacefully at night?

Denying cannot erase the reality of what transpired
The truth of what happened remains unmistakably clear.

But it’s fine
Grateful, in a way, for the unveiling
Life feels insufferable now
The thought of a delayed revelation would’ve been far worse
So, thank you for the clarity — however harsh.

These thoughts stay buried within
Only finding their way here
A brief surge of rage that makes me write
So I don’t forget what was done
They say if you can unlove someone in days
Then it was never true to even begin with
Because it goes against everything what that word stands for.

Only I know that
In my personal notes, the truth lies
Hate to say, and it’s my inability, but
You’re still loved the same as months ago
Even if that can’t be shown
These words here, represents a mere part of me
Trying to carve a space
A reminder to never forget the hurt
But the notes, no one should ever see them
That’s the place where nothing is against you
Where someone worries a lot for even your toothache
Or the post surgery care.

The real me, the one you’ll never read
Is the one still holding onto you
And that’s something no one else should ever know.
I don’t want to be this weak
Not for someone like you, at least
Hope some day I’ll be stronger
Able to let go, failing constantly daily.

To conclude, I carry no malice, not even for them
Not for anyone
All I ask for is solitude
Entire and uninterrupted
How peculiar
You walked away when it suited you
And when the weight becomes unbearable, you “return”
And steal even more peace from someone who has none.

Did you ever pause for my voice back then?
Or ever asked before severing ties so abruptly?

So why now? Impossible to respect my silence?
Let it be, once and for all
There is no absolution for what was done
Especially when not even once
Has there been a word of regret
No recognition of the hurt caused
So let it be this way
No undoing the harm now.

Hope at least you find the peace I couldn’t
And that, in some quiet corner of your soul
You understand what it feels like to be left with nothing
To be left with only the echoes of lies and betrayal
I hope, for your sake
That no one ever does to you
What you did to me
Because I still can’t bring myself
To wish that kind of trauma on anyone
Even you.

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Disclaimer: This poem is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to anyone is purely coincidental and unintentional.